So, we know the value of deciding on a path and sticking to it to get what we want. But what if we are on our journey and still not getting what we want? Chances are, our path could benefit from a little construction work...
A little fine tuning or even a major overhaul could be in order...
Here’s some brain maths for you: what we believe = what we get. In order to get what we want, we have to get clear about what we believe.
I’m not talking about the ‘manifestation’ principal spruiked by new age philosophy in which we attract the things we want in our lives by believing them into existence. Rather, I am referring to the unconscious beliefs that steer our life choices.
Our beliefs about life, love, marriage, what we are capable of, how much we are valued, who we are, how people function in the world and myriad other examples are all developed throughout our childhood and reinforced by all subsequent experiences. As these beliefs are formed unconsciously as our brains make patterns, connections and assumptions, we function under many beliefs we don’t even consciously know we have. How many times have you heard the reply to a question about why someone considers something wrong, right or black or white: “I don’t know why. It just is.”
We rarely question our beliefs. Why would we? They just seem ‘right’ and ‘natural’ to us. The problem is they can often be based on situations and connections that are not founded or serve no functional purpose. And yet our beliefs govern the direction we take our lives and are continually reaffirmed in the choices we make.
We have to have the beliefs in place that will best help us get what we want. Consider these the support structure to our dream or goal. We also need to identify and delete or change the beliefs that are stopping us from getting what we want.
Another way of looking at this, to continue the path metaphor, is to view the beliefs that we have as the actual path. If the beliefs are congruent and supportive of what we say we want, the path goes in the right direction. If our beliefs do not support what we say we want, the path does not go towards our goal.
While consciously we might make certain choices, our deep unconscious beliefs dictate how successful we are at those choices. If we believe we will fail, we will. If we believe no-one will love us, they won’t. If we believe relationships always end, our relationships will always end!
Have you ever thought about buying a new car and suddenly noticed that type of car everywhere you go? Or longed for a relationship and all of a sudden you see couples everywhere? Or babies? Or a Mustang? It is because our consciousness has been alerted to look for these things. Having a belief functions in a similar way! No matter what, we will- consciously or unconsciously- gravitate towards situations, places and people that confirm our beliefs.
It is so important to drill down into our belief system, especially when it comes to the two main channels in our world that can bring us the most joy: the beliefs about who we are and what we can achieve; and our beliefs about relationships.
In order to have successful lives and achieve something functional and positive, our beliefs must align and support what we say and what we do. Otherwise, we will do and say things that align with our unconscious beliefs but may not actually be what we want.
What we belief paves the way for our words and actions. What we do, what we say and what we believe have to be as closely aligned as possible!
Being a ‘picture thinker’ I love graphs and images. Whatever type of graph that is used to illustrate this point, they all demonstrate the same outcome!
What we believe, what we say and what we do have to be pointing in the same direction for us to experience success!
Success lies in the centre where beliefs, words and actions overlap.
A straight walk along the Yellow Brick Road!
If what we believe, do and say do not align, we end up stuck in a tug of war with our energy going all over the place. To illustrate this, my friend Elise tells her story:
"When I met my ex fiancee, I spoke about men with negativity. I ranted at the TV when there were happy endings. On one level I wanted desperately to have a relationship with this man and on the other my beliefs were not allowing me to. There was a continual value conflict going on which meant that my actions were inconsistent.
How can a woman who devalues men have a functional, trusting relationship with a man? How can a woman who lacks faith in relationships get engaged with any hope to achieve a successful marriage? Or in my case after a string of engagements, even a successful bloody wedding! The short answer is- she can’t! There was no alignment."
The more disparate the directions of our beliefs, actions and words, the more torment we are likely experiencing.
Follow what path???
Energy is going everywhere and leading nowhere!
There is very little overlap here!
If you are finding yourself in a situation where you aren’t getting what you want, take a good hard look at what beliefs are underlying your attempts. If things are continually not going right in an area of your life, it is very likely because your words, actions and beliefs aren’t aligned.
"When working through why another relationship of mine had failed, I had to go deep and unpack the beliefs I had about relationships in order to create a stable relationship future from my unstable relationship past. This was no easy task but if I hadn’t realised that my action (getting engaged) was in stark contrast to my beliefs (relationships are doomed to fail and men are out to hurt you) and my words (bloody men, typical males), I would have continued to repeat the same patterns."
Give yourself permission to take the time and unpack the situation for yourself using whatever means works for you. This may include quiet time, reading, journaling, talking to a friend, using diagrams, or talking to a Meta-Coach. Just stay conscious! Ask your friends to nudge you if you speak about the topic to help you pay attention to your words. Keep a list of all the actions you’re taking (or not taking) regarding something you want. Pay attention to your body and your thoughts to find out what your beliefs are. Is something feeling right or making you squirm? A word of caution here, as I have already mentioned, our beliefs are unconscious and can be difficult to uncover. So if you don’t know straight away, just stay curious.
If it helps, work backwards! Ask yourself ‘In order to achieve this, what do I need to believe’? This is a great process to find out what your real beliefs are because you will be able to recognise if the beliefs you have differ from what you would need to believe in order to make something work! Stay conscious in this process and keep asking yourself questions!
Words: what are you saying? What language are you using? Is it constructive or destructive? Actions: are you taking any? If so, in what direction? Beliefs: what are your underlying, deep beliefs about this? Do they serve you anymore?
Take the time to do this and you will re-navigate yourself in the direction of what you want, taking strong and confident steps. No more forks in the road, u-turns or construction zones for you!